Medical problems, abandonment, and financial loss, all in one day; that’s a lot for anyone to handle. Keep reading to see how I wallowed through it. (Not particularly graceful, I might add!)
I might as well start in the order in which these descended on me yesterday. First, I went to my general practitioner. I either pulled a tick or a small wart off of my chest, last week. (That’s what I get for not using my glasses while attempting surgery on myself.) The resulting small hole that was left spread during the last week to a huge, red, itchy welt, that because of scratching during the night, had gotten to be about 4″ (10 cm) in diameter. You know it looks bad when the doctor gasps when she sees it. She gave me an antibiotic and has me taking Benedryl for the itching. Couple that with the need to now wear knee-high compression hose to stave off the painful swelling of edema in my feet during the increasing heat here in Maryland where I live, (east coast of the States), and I was not a happy camper. The Benedryl that she said to get for the itching definitely helps, but then, all I want to do is sleep.
Then, I arrived home to a letter from a colleague and friend saying that she didn’t want to work with me for awhile, as she wanted to pursue her own business needs. We have been trading sessions for years now, and I feel that I was quite a bit of help to her when she had a death in her family a while back. With my mother’s death only two months ago, I think that I’m doing fine one day, and then, I’m on a roller coaster the next. She had been really helpful in getting me through those painful times these past few weeks, so I had to read the letter several times to make sure I was reading what she had written correctly that she wouldn’t be working with me for an indefinite period of time.
Abandonment is a big issue for me, as my father died when I was eight years old, and I know that my friend’s letter is another opportunity to for me to work on this important core issue of mine. However, I felt devastated and hurt, and called up another friend with whom I reconnected back home when my mother was dying. He let me “cry on his shoulder” over the phone. It’s a good thing that I wasn’t really there, or he would have had to change his shirt several times from my runny nose and tears.
I mentioned financial loss, right? Then, my brother called to say that a life insurance policy that we thought would be $100,000 US for me and each of my siblings would only be $4,000. Fortunately, I hadn’t spent the money, but had fantasized about all kinds of ways it would make my future more secure, so with that last blow, I dissolved into a puddle of tears and went to bed at 5 pm to work on my issues.
At first, I was wallowing in abandonment at a 10 ( 0 = nothing to talk about, and 10 = worst you can imagine for a given emotion). It seems as if all of these three events could be lumped under an “Abandonment” umbrella. Angry thoughts were mixed in, and “it’s not fair” left my lips more than a couple of times. Allowing myself to be in the middle of whatever was coming up instead of pushing it away, I drifted in and out of sleep because of the Benedryl. Every time throughout the night, whenever I would wake up, I would work on what ever pieces of abandonment was still left. I also made the illustration for this posting, as my usually smiling self felt like I was definitely sinking in despair and my true nature was hidden in some pretty murky depths.
So, this morning, when I woke up at 4:30am and started writing this blog, the abandonment is down to about a 6, and what’s up for me is hurt at a 5 (it’s probably higher than that), and anger (at a 12 …I don’t always stick to the usual range of numbers). A change like this regarding what’s up for you at any given time, is very typical, as for me healing is like peeling an onion. New emotions surface as outer layers heal and are released. I have gotten to a point in this work where I can notice that I’m really, really angry inside, but on the outside, I doubt if most people would be able to tell what is going on inside. For me, allowing myself to experience anger is a big deal, as I was taught that “nice girls don’t get angry”. As a result, I would bottle everything up, until I blew up over something that had nothing to do with the issue at hand, or would stuff emotions, and then have them wreck havoc on my body.
I absolutely subscribe to the concept that we are creating our own realities, and that I’m pulling in all of this mess so that I can heal these issues. However, when it’s me (or anyone else) in the middle of the swamp, the alligators can look pretty vicious and insurmountable. Given what I disaster I was last night, I’m very proud that I was able to write this blog this morning and not shed a tear. However, I probably bought the season pass to this rollercoaster and I imagine that there will be a lot more twists and turns before I can get off of this ride… stay tuned for updates!
I wrote this blog for the emotional release that it gave me, not to elicit sympathy, as I know that I am creating this reality. Are there any parts of my story with which you can resonate. Why not share what has been true for you in the past, as I think that many people feel that they’re the only ones that ever feel a certain way.
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You can find out more about my healing work in the other information on this site, about my artwork on my web site at www.fiberfantasies.com (be patient as it loads; it’s worth it), and can find me on Google + , Facebook (for Transition Portals), Facebook (for Fiber Fantasies), and Twitter.