It was nearly two weeks ago that I went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died in the hospital. Remember in the last posting, where I had said that I had a 4″ (10cm) rash? After the second visit in two days to the ER, when the rash had spread to twice its size, I was admitted to the hospital and was there for 4 and 1/2 days, getting antibiotics via IV drips. Well, if that doesn’t stop you dead in your tracks, I don’t know what will!
However, it was that first night that I started to have an allergic reaction to the Benedryl that was being administered via IV. I had had the same drug earlier in the day via IV, and have taken oral Benedryl for years .
Still, there I was with fire spreading up my arm from the IV needle, my chest and throat were closing down, and then the fire and pain started down my left arm. As the nurse left the room to call the doc, as I had told her that I was going into anaphylaxis, (having died briefly two times before from allergic reactions, so I know what the very early signs are like), I had about fifteen minutes to think. I was incredibly aware that I could die, and this time, I had the choice of which way to go. The Column of Light was off in the distantance, and it was so-o-o tempting to just quit fighting.
I’m exhausted from dealing with my mother’s death, cleaning out her house, putting her stuff away in my own house, trying to get my business back on track, dealing with emotional issues about lost friends and a lover… and going around in a lot of circles. That’s a lot to deal with by myself all in the space of a month. However, that moment, a few weeks ago, when I was on the edge of dying, I chose to fall back into my body as I didn’t want to stick my brother with having to clean out another house. He’s done the bulk of the work on my mother’s. (I could only stay a month after her death, and was supposed to be down there instead of being in the hospital to help with the last of the stuff). I also have seen that the lessons that you don’t finish in a given lifetime have to be repeated at some future one. I’ve healed a number of my core issues so far but I know that I’m close to finishing some other ones, and I DON’T want to have start all over again in the future. So, back into my body, from some ethereal height, I plummeted.
Slam! It was not a soft landing, and then I had to explain to the skeptical attending physician, who had been disturbed at 3 in the morning, that yes, I can talk now, but you should have seen me a half hour ago. Some doctors have such a way of guilt tripping you into submission, so I just shut up. Then came several days of painful IV drips of antibiotics, (it was so strong, it burned my veins) and several vague diagnoses (cellulitis? Lyme’s disease? MRSA?) I was a limp, smelly, very, very sick pile of human flesh. I ached all over. Even my hair hurt! I had no desire to do much except read a little and look at some nature docs on the TV. Places to go, things to do, but way too sick to do any of them…. that was me!
I so got that the Universe was saying that “Nance, we weren’t kidding! You have some healing work to do on yourself, and you know that we know that you’re not doing it! What’s it gonna take to get you started? Those abandonment issues?” I might add that I know better, too, having been here before and been called up short when I’m not working on my own issues, but never to the degree that I’ve been shaken to my knees while I was in the hospital. “OK, you’ve got my attention, I whimpered!”
Having been out of the hospital now for two weeks, I’m still not well, and go back to an Infectious Disease doc today to test for other tick diseases besides Lyme’s. I’m exhausted and I’m sleeping about 12-14 hours/day, but I’m making little inroads into getting things done. I’m also spending quite a bit of time on working on my anger issues at being abandoned and abandoning myself when it comes to sticking up for what I need from others. I’ve been giving too much of myself to others who don’t appreciate what I offer, so no more!!! ..or at least, that’s my current cry! Stay tuned to see it I follow through.
For a much more eloquent and serene description of a near death experience, please read “The Night I Died“, by Tracy Cochran. Her beautiful tale of compassion for the men who were killing her brought tears to my eyes.
How about you? Have you ever had a near death experience and how did it change you?
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